I wish I was a 40’s housewife so that staying at home was just the done thing and I didn’t have to make this decision.
It’s always been my dream to stay at home and look after my babies. Friends went to university and had careers but I just wanted to start a family. Caring for my children was the only job I wanted.
Until today, my dreams were going to come to fruition. I’m being a tad dramatic, they still could! It’s just an email from my boss has stirred things up abit. It’s shaken the resolve I thought I held so strongly.
I HAD told work I was only going to come back for 3 months and then I would like to end my employment. It was all planned. I’d go back to my existing 4day a week job role but take 2days a week as annual leave to start to use up the annual leave I had accrued over my maternity. It was all totted up and calculated and it meant that I’d be working from 27th July until 16th of October. I didn’t want to go back to work but this seemed manageable. I had an end goal, a target date.
As my start date looms, my boss contacted me to confirm our arrangements. She asked if I was sure about not returning to work as they would need to think about recruiting for my position. Am I sure?! I just don’t know.
I don’t have a career, I don’t love my job. I worked so I could get a mortgage and buy a house. However, the company I work for is great, my colleagues are lovely. They have been and would be so slexible. I’m pretty sure they allow me to go down to two days a week, and as long as I did my hours, I could pick and choose what they would be.
I’m in a very fortunate position where I don’t need to work for financial reasons. We could live off Nick’s sole income. We would have to tighten our belts and go without things but it is definitely doable.
I have talked to Nick and he thinks I should go back. Here is a spender. He likes nice things and he knows without the extra income we won’t have them.
I could go back to work two days a week. I am lucky in that Rosalie is going to be looked after by her Nanny and Grandma whilst I go back work, indefinitely or not. They’ll both get a day with their granddaughter and I know they’ll spoil her rotten. We will have no child care costs and Rosalie will be spending quality time with her grandparents. She’ll love it!
Then there’s me. I’ll hate every minute I’m away from her. I’ve always believed that no amount of money could ever make up for the moments you’ll miss with your babies, the firsts! They are little for such a short time. I want to soak up every second.
Both Nick and I were looked after by our parents when we were little. I want that for Rosalie. My mum has always said that the time with her babies was the happiest of her life. I want that. This is IT!
Part of me feels guilty about that. I’m annoyed that I feel like this. I’m annoyed that the world has made me feel like I’m being lazy for wanting to not work and to spend this time with my babies while they are young. When did this happen?!
I could go back to work 2days a week but I also blog, vlog and do the odd beauty client. If I’m working and doing all this other stuff I’m already committed to, when will I spend quality time with my baby? That’s without including the housework. I think it’s too much and I think I’ll get stressed. I will do it in the short term but indefinitely? I worry that in the little time I would have with Rosalie, I won’t be enjoying her, I’ll be doing all the other chores.
If I don’t go back to work there are things Rosalie would go without. She won’t have that slide for the garden or the nice pretty dress. I won’t get the new lamp for the living room and if the car breaks down we are screwed.
So here I am at 23.36pm typing into my phone when I really should be sleeping, trying to make sense of it all. Trying to work out what is the best thing to do for this family of mine. What would you do?