So it’s confirmed, after a week of bleeding, I have miscarried again. The doctor has just phoned to advise me of my blood test results. My HCG levels were so low it wouldn’t even register as a pregnancy. The baby has left the womb.
How do I feel about it? I am not as upset as last time. I don’t know if that is because I wasn’t as far gone so I hadn’t known I was pregnant for as long or because I didn’t quite let myself believe that this pregnancy would be successful after the last miscarriage.
I was pissed off at first. Angry that this happened to me again.However, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it so why waste the energy making myself upset about it. I did all I could. I ate well, I took my vitamins, I maybe could have had cooler baths but that is really the only thing I could have done differently.
I do feel like a failure. I thought I was good at this mothering thing. I had such an easy pregnancy with Rosalie, my birth was awesome (You can read about my delivery story here) I breast fed my baby for over a year. I thought I was super mum, that I had this baby making thing down. Now I just feel like my body is failing me. We keep getting pregnant fairly quickly so it is me that can’t keep these babies alive.
What am I going to do now? Take a break. After my first miscarriage the doctor told me that I could start trying again straight away, which we did. Clearly that did not work out very well for us and here we are after a second miscarriage. I am going to wait a few months, have a couple of periods. Then wait a few more months because if we start to try to conceive in April, I could potentially have a Christmas baby.After two consecutive pregnancy’s and miscarriages I feel like I have been pregnant forever and my skin? dear god, it has never looked worse, my face is just a big oil slick. Hopefully with time, this will return to some kind of normality I can’t even remember what that is like.
I am going to plan some nice things that I won’t be able to do when pregnant. I am going to go out and get drunk with my friends, Nick and I are going to have a spa day. I want to look at planning a holiday for just the three of us so we can spend some quality time together and dote on Rosalie like she deserves. We can make some wonderful family memories on hopefully our last holiday as a family of three.