Christmas although supposed to be one of the happiest times of the year may not always be merry.
There is an expectation.
You are meant to be filled with happiness and joy, like the rest of the world. When you are feeling sad, this can make this time of year unbearable. You may be forced to put a brave face on and power through when all you really want to do is sit down and cry.
I get this…
Myself and a few other mums have got together with channel mum to share our stories and offer you some tips to help you get through. We just want to say that we understand.
Those of you that know me in real life will know about the big whole that is missing in my life, but those of you that are readers will not because I haven’t yet had the courage to talk about it.
My brother, the other half of me, was killed in a car accident 3 years ago.
I miss him every day, some days are worse than others. Sometimes I feel like the hole in my heart is so big I won’t ever be able carry on. When I can, I put those feelings away in a little cupboard inside, and I carry on, I go and get Rosalie and we go about our day. I live for those that are left, my mum and my nan. I am all they have left, and now for my beautiful girl and growing baby.
Grief does get easier to bare. The raw pain that rips through you in those first months does ease. The shock and then horror you feel every morning when you wake and realise what has happened is not just a horrible dream, lessens.
My family’s Christmas hadn’t changed for over 20 years. We would be at home. Joe and I would wake up and go down to open our presents together. Every year our presents would be stacked up in the same place, in the same matching sacks, with the same matching stockings.
We haven’t had a Christmas at home since he died, at first I mourned this along with him. In later years I have realised that this is right. We couldn’t have our Christmas without him, It would simply be unbearable. Our Christmas has gone, because he isn’t here anymore.
We get through by making new traditions. The first year we went away for Christmas, just Mum, Andy, Nan, Nick and I. We survived. Soon after that Rosalie was born and then the christmas’s after that became all about her.
My mother in law has kindly invited us over to her for the last two years and this year we will be doing the same. It was strange at first but I have realised that it is Rosalie’s Christmas now. Rosie will be surrounded by all her favourite people, her closest family on both sides. It is the only time of the year that they are all in the same room together, what more could she wish for!
For the first time in a while I am really excited about Christmas. Rosalie is 2 years and 4 months old and is really starting to understand the magic of Christmas. I can’t wait to see her little face light up when she sees her pile of presents on Christmas morning. She is bringing us new joy.
If you are struggling this Christmas, my advice to you is to let it go. Don’t cling on to old traditions that for whatever reason aren’t possible anymore. Savour those memories and start to make new ones. This is the first year I have really embraced making new traditions and I have loved it, in a way I didn’t think was possible. For a long time I didn’t want Christmas to change, but it has to and now we are making new Christmas traditions for Rosalie. It’s her Christmas now.
Surround yourself with the people you love, be that your family, friends, or children. Hold them close, and savour these moments, because if anything I have learnt that life is too short, and Christmas only lasts a day!
If you are dreading Christmas this year take a look at the channel mum video, I hope it helps xxx